The Dating Site Dilemma

Don't register with a dating site. Even if you're lonely. It's not the answer, although it may lead you to it.

I'll explain:

Dating sites work for some people. At the least, one may find a friend or a boost of encouragement from their experience with a dating site. At the very least, the dating site may be able to film an awfully awkward hidden-camera commercial of a first date, where the guy uses some 'wit' and the woman giggles or guffaws. At the lowest, you'll have an inbox full of winks, nudges, smiles, prods, and waves from people you don't know, you don't really want to know, and you don't really want to know you.

I'm all for meeting new people, but let's be honest. Let's tell the whole story. You're sitting there on your computer checking your facebook, seeing all of the greener pastures that your friends are munching on, and you sigh. All of a sudden, you see this magical link to a dating site that promises love to the lonely. You're a Christian? Try Christianmingle! You're in college? Try Coedsingles. You're a homeless person? Try Shareacardboardbox! So, with your interest piqued, you click on the link.

Look at all these pictures of happy people! They're riding bicycles and laughing. They're giving piggyback rides and laughing. They're on a dinner date and laughing. One of them must be pretty funny. Well, you're funny, right? Of course! You're encouraged. So you start filling out a profile.

You don't want to give too much information to this site; none of that billing stuff or upgraded profiles (just the basics, please!). You just want to see what sort of reaction you'll get. You choose your words wisely, trying to craft the most sharp and clear portrayal of your interests and likes and hobbies and preferences. It's so clear and precise that it's like looking directly into the sun. You blind them.

But let's not go crazy and start posting our photos or anything. First we want to see our prospects. Let's browse. Well, first let's narrow down what we want in a potential date. Let's uncheck all of the 'more to love' and 'may need some exercise' boxes. Okay, now we can start looking in our area.

You've gone through about four pages of profiles with maybe a couple of books that look interesting when judged by their covers. Lo and behold, now you've hit a possible genuine page-turner. Let's check the profile. Likes movies. I like movies! Likes having fun. I like having fun! Likes a good time. Wow! These are the same sort of vague insinuations I made on my profile! We're two of a kind!

Smile. Wink. Nudge. Prod. Wave. Can't send a message, because I'm not paying for that service. We'll just see if we can't communicate some other way. Maybe morse code through the use of smiles. I should probably add a photo now, so they can see my face. Let's just make sure it's the diamond in the rough. The tropical island in a sea of bad or old photos.

And we wait.

And we check.

And we have received smiles and nods and etc. But not from the leather-bound Book of the Month. It's from all of these grocery store book aisle titles. They're all mass market paperbacks. So we shun them.

And we wait.

And we check.

And we have received more smiles and nods and etc. From more paperbacks. We shun them.

And we repeat.

And we realize that this is pointless, because we started this whole journey with a specific sort of person in mind. We wanted to find "Anna Karenina" (not literally, because she was an adulterer) and we found "Tempest of Torture" and "Bubbles in my Cereal" (not real titles, but the best generic titles I could come up with). We weren't really looking for a tide of strangers to engulf us, but that's what happened. And guess what? We were part of the tide of people that engulfed the person that held our interest. It's messy and unorganized. It's tough and cutthroat. It's a jumble of not-so-accurate profiles and best-picture-I-could-finds and I'm-of-average-weight-because-I'm-not-as-large-as-that-large-mammal-that-I-see-everyday-on-the-buses.

And then you realize that it may not be right to try and force something, but that it may be better to focus on how you can interact and meet a person in-person, without seeming like a grocery store item, but instead like a mysterious treasure. You see that it may be worth the heartache and trouble and hard-work of getting to know somebody through an organic process, because then you really get to know them and appreciate them, much like the difference between discovering a new band and being told to "listen to this new band". You find the worth in the new band instead of being sold on the worth of the new band. It will be much more satisfying and lasting as you unearth the treasures hidden within the other person, instead of having them advertised in a partially-inaccurate light.

So, please, if you must use a dating service, it would be advantageous to think about these things. You may think that I'm way off - that this blog has a mix of superficiality, selfishness, and cynicism. There may be some truth to that. I think it's more about honesty, though. I think that dating sites, though convenient, fun, and even sometimes helpful or rewarding, can be a hindrance to character growth and self-examination. But I don't purport to know everything and I can't say that it hasn't worked for many people. That's why this blog is titled "The Dating Site Dilemma"

Wink.