First, here is a little recap of the events of my day (in no particular order):
-Fiddled around with my guitar
-Paid rent with Craig, then visited Sonic for a tasty burger
-Spent a couple hours drawing a pretty picture, but had to stop when the sun disappeared
-Spent too much time on the internets
-Played with my Christmas gift, DJ Hero 2 (DJ Upandadam on the wheels of steel!)
-Watched part 3 of the Overblood 2 Super Replay (Ever since I discovered gameinformer.com I've been addicted to their Replay segments. Nerdy to the extreme, but often hilarious. I would particularly recommend watching the Tail of the Sun Super Replay or the original Overblood Super Replay. Excuse me while I retire to my Nerdery)
-Cleaned the living room a little bit
-Attempted to read about taxes regarding my new business, until my brain hurt (so about two minutes after starting)
-Watched some classic SNL on Youtube
Here ends the list.
I'm always trying to cram as many things as I can into my day, but I still end up feeling like my day doesn't quite register as a day well-spent. I end up wondering if my life isn't quite where it should be and what I should maybe do to improve it. I know that I should look to God in times of struggle instead of relying on my own power, but for some reason that always seems like I'm giving up. Yet I know that God is the living water that fills my soul, so tonight when I was feeling bitter and frustrated I decided to look through my book collection to see if a book looked enticing. I spotted 'Communion with the Triune God' by the Puritan John Owen and remembered the joy that I had when I used to read it. The man has an empowering way with words. This is what I read tonight:
"...what a safe and sweet retreat is here for the saints, in all the scorns, reproaches, scandals, misrepresentations which they undergo in the world. When a child is abused abroad in the streets by strangers, he runs with speed to the bosom of his father; there he makes his complaint and is comforted. In all the hard censures and tongue-persecutions which the saints meet with in the streets of the world, they may run with their moanings unto their Father and be comforted. 'As one whom his mother comforts, so will I comfort you,' says the Lord (Isa. 66:13). So that the soul may say, 'If I have hatred in the world, I will go where I am sure of love. Though all others are hard to me, yet my Father is tender and full of compassion: I will go to him, and satisfy myself in him. Here I am accounted vile, frowned on and rejected; but I have honor and love with him, whose kindness is better than life itself. There I shall have all things in the fountain, which others have but in the drops. There is in my Father's love every thing desirable: there is the sweetness of all mercies in the abstract itself, and that fully and durably.'"
What a blessing it was to read that. I felt in my heart a fullness that had been missing all day.
He even addressed another mindset I've had lately, which is whether or not God can love me when I don't often feel any love for Him.
"'I cannot find my heart making returns of love unto God. Could I find my soul set upon him, I could then believe his soul delighted in me.' This is the most preposterous course that possibly your thoughts can pitch upon, a most ready way to rob God of his glory. 'Herein is love,' (1 John 4:10-11). Now, you would invert this order, and say, 'Herein is love, not that God loved me, but that I loved him first.' This is to take the glory of God from him: that, whereas he loves us without a cause that is in ourselves, and we have all cause in the world to love him, you would have the contrary, namely, that something should be in you for which God should love you, even your love to him; and that you should love God, before you know anything lovely in him - namely, whether he love you or not. This is a course of flesh's finding out that will never bring glory to God, nor peace to your own soul. Lay down, then, your reasonings; take up the love of the Father upon a pure act of believing, and that will open your soul to let it out unto the Lord in the communion of love."
It's amazing to think of God's love being laid upon me even while I struggle at times to love Him.
And so, my mood was boosted. Thanks to God. And to his instrument, John Owen.
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